if you like me you must not know who I am
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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