I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
