I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
