i just wanna soil my oats bro
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Randomize
