Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
