I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
did you just send me my own nude
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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