I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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