well I can't set my house on fire every night
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize