At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
