i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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