Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So many bounce houses so little time
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
