So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
