She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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