Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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