hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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