your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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