Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
