Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
