You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize