The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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