you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
