hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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