arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
