don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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