totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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