Already got asked if we're dating
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
