he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
