Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
