paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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