Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize