Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
