Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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