i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
