she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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