Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
