last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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