Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Two words: blizzard sex
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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