I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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