You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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