even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
