So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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