Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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