I feel like abortions should bother me more
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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