If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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