I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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