Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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