I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
someone owes me an orgasm
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
