nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
