Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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