He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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