No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Randomize