Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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