I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize