booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
