For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
