if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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