She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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