I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
