In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
