Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
