There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
