Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
