Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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