If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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