He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
