2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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