just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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