He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
