He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
