Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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