I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
