I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
