Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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